Illinois Adventure?

I find myself in Illinois, away from most of my family and all of my friends, living with a great-grandmother I barely know and a sister who barely knows me. Isn't life a funny thing? Every time I think I might have things kind of, sort of, almost figured out God throws out another twist that was completely my scope of imagination and I am astonished...but not always completely happy.

I must confess that sometimes God-changes are much more difficult than I could possibly foresee, but maybe that's a good thing. After all, if I knew it would be this hard, I might not have done the right thing, the brave thing, in the first place. But still, even though I know that living for God requires sacrifice, part of me wishes I could be happier than I am, and I wonder if I am doing something wrong that I am so unhappy sometimes. Perhaps I am not relying enough on God and that is why I feel so alone in this time of living away from my family for the first time in my life. Perhaps that is why this quiet life that leaves me too much time for reflection and yet not enough time alone is so exhausting physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But moving is always an exhausting change. How much more so, then, when it must be done without my usual support group? How much more so when I must learn to do it just with God instead of leaning on those other seven people in addition to God? Or maybe there are just so many changes attacking me all at once, changes not all happy for me, that it is unrealistic of me to think that I ought to be feeling happy.

I guess the real problem, though, is that I've always been so happy, so cheerful, and now everything has fallen apart. The amazing, intimate, loving, personal relationship I thought I had with God fell apart in my fingers, and now I've left my family and friends too. How can you get more alone than that? I know I'm not really alone, I know God said He would never leave me, never forsake me. But where is He? Why does my soul feel so alone, so empty, so hungry, so dry? How can a God who loves me that much leave me feeling like this? Am I doing something wrong? If I am, why does He not just tell me so I can repent and the relationship can be restored? Why is it like this? Why has it been like this for so long? Why is it getting worse instead of better? What happened to the love I thought we had?

I still have faith, except for late nights like tonight when the darkness is so oppressing, so devouring, and I wonder where He is and why it is. I still trust that the answers will come eventually, and I still have moments when everything feels right again, when I feel Him there just as loving as ever. I am not content with moments, though; I want a life of God-intimacy, I guess.