A Performance to Die for

I am only just beginning to realize how performance-based I really am. Every time I think it's over and done with it pops up in another area of my life. Why is it so natural to judge everyone and everything based on performance, especially myself? Why can't I just let go of my act and let God do the rest?

I felt badly when I realized that I was letting my desire to perform take over my relationship with God, the very thing that should be least performance oriented. But it makes sense, doesn't it? If I can perform well enough for God, it won't matter how I perform elsewhere, because I've let go of performing in those areas of my life.

But my performance kills me inside, and I mean no exaggeration when I say that. When I can no longer accept God's unconditional love and forgiveness I am killing my own soul. I think that God has saved me from real, permanent, eternal destruction, but I am still cutting myself deep when I go back to this performance mentality.

Why would I hurt myself like this? What kind of lie must I be living under to willingly subject myself to such torment and destruction? What kind of lies are we believing about ourselves and our God? We have not yet accepted the full freedom that Jesus offered us, freedom from sin and death not just in the future but now. Freedom from the spiritual death that comes when we spend all our energy trying to perform and earn our freedom, salvation, and relationship with God.

But what's really tragic is when one starts judging God based on performance. I have run into this in other people; if I claim God tells me to do something, but there is nothing to show for my actions, they question whether God really told me to do that. After all, if God told me to then there would be results, right? But our God is not a god of results, and that is a big lie. He is a God of love and He wants me to trust Him no matter how feeble the outcome is from a human perspective.

Really, that's what our performance boils down to: a misguided and mistrustful perception of God. Either we think He only cares about results or we don't trust Him when He is not about results (we somehow think that's not the real God, just our imagination or something). I suppose that in my case it doesn't help that I am only a young woman. Some people are a lot more likely to question my judgment because of that. Except, when they question my judgment they miss the point, because this isn't about me. It's about God and His judgment, and they really are unintentionally questioning God's judgment (except for the few cases of people who really are questioning my judgment in choosing to follow God's judgment).

I'm glad God is willing to forgive me for this and free me from my deception, because I don't know how many times I have fallen back into this. And while it is easy for me to see how other people do this, I probably miss my own hypocrisy most of the time. I'm learning to pray that God will show me the log in my own eye, since I have gotten so talented at seeing the speck in my neighbor's eye. And it's not just seeing sin, but seeing the lies that have infiltrated their lives, seeing the death that is present in their souls. Often it is a lot easier to see in others.

But God still loves me, God still loves all of us. It's really quite amazing that He can see all of my filth better than I myself can, but He still loves me. Really, such infinite grace and mercy does nothing but inspire me to become more like this infinite Love that is God.